


Hollow

by pineaberry



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: F/M, Someone needed to be force choked, This is was written out of frustration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 09:42:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15816351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pineaberry/pseuds/pineaberry
Summary: Nathema Conspiracy: He was supposed to fix this for her. The betrayal and pain was all supposed to be worth it to keep her safe. Too late did he realize what he’d actually done…





	1. First You Let Them

The world faded in and out of view as Theron lay helpless on the floor. His datapad had fallen from his grasp and out of reach. He knew what he had to do but each choking breath made him feel as though he were slowly being asphyxiated. All the pain that he caused, the betrayal, the misery… all of it had been for nothing. In a final act of failure, he was dying as the Alliance was falling. **  
**

Tikal fought, tearing down the threat with her bare hands even as his heart began to falter and the darkness overtook him. He never told her the truth, not enough to make her understand, not enough to make up for all the things he’d said…

_You’ll be disintegrated, and I’ll escape with the Adegan crystals. Don’t worry. You won’t feel a thing._

_“Did you ever love me…?”_

_You’ve become a symbol of oppression!_

He could still see it, the raw hurt in her gold eyes and the way her entire stance was shaken and unsure. Theron had studied her long before they’d ever met face to face. He knew her weaknesses and managed to exploit her insecurities effortlessly with only six words.

Tikal masked her pain with anger, but that no longer worked on him. He easily spotted her heartbreak. After the truth came out he focused on stopping Zildrog. Theron justified it by believing they would have time. 

As life slipped through his fingers he longed to hold her if only one last time and tell her the betrayal hadn’t been real. But it was not to be. She was too busy cleaning up his mess to come to his side.

_You know I love you…_

Did she though?

How cruel those words must have seemed like the twist of a knife. The moment when her world crashed down around her, had she known? When she clawed her way out of a wrecked train just a mistake away from death, had she believed him then?

The sound of battle finally began to fade away, or perhaps he was too far gone. What was it the Jedi said? There was no death, only the Force, but there was no peace for him there. His mind played broken words she had once admitted in a moment of trust.

_“I suppose you would understand more than anyone, Theron. Every Jedi’s life begins with rejection. When you’re a child, you can’t help but wonder why your own family decided to throw you away. There’s a hole left in your life that mantras will never manage to heal, and so you fill it with your master’s approval._

_When you get older, you fill it with titles, honors, and victories. All the while they tell you the emptiness is good; that you should embrace it. So you follow orders blindly and let them use you, because when you start off being worthless, you’ll do anything in your power to prove that you’re not._

_I don’t resent my parents for throwing me away. I just wish I knew what they saw in their infant that was so wrong and made them do it.”_

He’d promised then to never make her feel that way.

_“Did you ever love me, or was that part of the act?”_

Something cold washed over him amplifying the pain.

_Commander…_

_“Was that part of the act?”_

_No._

_“…you let them use you…”_

_No Tikal. That’s not true._

_“…because when you start off being worthless, you’ll do anything…”_

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…_


	2. Then You Hurt Them

The Fleet had been obliterated.

The Gravestone was destroyed.

Her lover had betrayed and abandoned her.

Once again, Tikal stood alone staring into the abyss with no one to aid her.

That was fine. It was just perfect. She didn’t need help. She didn’t need anybody’s help. She didn’t need anybody!

Tikal clenched her lightsabers in her hands and bowed her head. A fringe of dusty blue bangs hid her gaze, but the force fluctuated wildly around her form in chaotic patterns visible to the naked eye. Tikal had never been good at playing the emotionless Jedi Knight, not that anyone on the Jedi Council seemed to have a problem with it. 

She was the one the Jedi summoned when diplomacy failed. She was the one the Republic requested when all other lackeys had been decimated. Nobody cared about the means as long as the results were favorable. Perhaps that was why Lana was so comfortable around her. The Hero of Tython had no qualms about force-choking anyone that got in the way of her goal.

Tikal stood over Vinn Atrius; her gold eyes flashed with a burning rage. Deep down, she knew he was only a symptom of a larger sickness, but this particular virus had inconvenienced her for the last time.

“Play the hero once again!” Vinn snarled.

“I suppose this is the part where I list your crimes and hand you over to Zakuul for a proper trial. That would be the Jedi thing to do, yes?” she drawled as she approached him like a predator ready to pounce, “It seems like you’re just another in a long line of corpses who got in my way and hedged their bets on my mercy. You think I need a worthy cause to be called a hero? I destroyed the immortal Emperor out of annoyance. I made Zakuul burn out of spite. I dragged Arcann down from from his throne onto his knees, and kept him alive on a whim. I tore out Vaylin’s throat and wrested away the throne from her just because I could! And yet you still believe there’s anything you can do change the galaxy’s perception of me? I could skin you alive and make a coat to their boisterous applause.”

“You’re a monster,” he snapped holding his side but there was fear in his eyes. She paced like a nexu about to snap her chain.

“A monster? Really? And I suppose you believe yourself to be the noble martyr, yes? My it must be nice inhabiting a delusion. That’s what’s wrong with you Zakuulians; the whole damn planet has trouble grasping reality. Allow me to enlighten you.” 

Tikal stopped abruptly and leveled her lightsaber at his head.

“This what will happen: I will kill you, go home, and have a nice long bubble bath while the rest of the galaxy hails me as their hero. By tomorrow I will have forgotten your face and the animals will have picked your bones and metal bits clean. By the end of the week, all that will remain of your pathetic little rebellion will be the bloated corpses still languishing in the tanks, and letters from half a dozen planets apologizing for your existence,” she smiled at him cruelly, “your death, your sacrifice, all of it useless in the end. You think taking my fleet accomplished anything? I destroyed  your capital city with a shuttle and a lunatic. I would say your death was for nothing, but that’s not entirely true. You have sealed Zakuul’s fate. I no longer have any use for the planet, and I destroy what I can’t use. As for you… you dying for my amusement will be the last bit of fleeting significance your life will ever have.”

Vinn shook with ill contained rage but before he could retort, his head was detached from his body in the clean hum of a black cored lightsaber. She had listened to enough of his monologues he would not get another. The insufferable man’s death was not as satisfying as she would have liked but it did take the edge off her murderous rage. She turned away from the scene and saw Lana tending to their spy.

Theron’s usually focused gaze was muddled and laced with pain. His head lolled back and his eyes closed. He was weak, vulnerable, like she had been on Umbara. He had taken his shot without hesitation even as he claimed to love her and now the tables had turned.

_“And you mean a lot to me. I’d do anything to protect you.”_

A lie…

_“The longer we search, the more I think someone planted the “traitor” idea to turn you against your own people. ”_

Another lie…

_“This time, I’ll have your back.”_

And another…

_“When you show your true colors, it makes all this easier.”_

The truth at last. In her last frantic, desperate moments Tikal had lost all semblance of dignity and begged.

_Stop the train, Theron. We can still find peace, but we have to work together! We can talk about this, we can make this work. Just stop. Just for a moment please stop…_

_“We’re long past that…”_

She stared at Theron listlessly. The emptiness inside her swallowing her whole as his parting message to her still haunted her waking hours.

_“Feels like I’ve fought for peace all my life, but everyone has let me down... the Republic... the Alliance... you.”_

A cold sort of calm settled over her. Was this Jedi detachment or petty apathy? Was this what Master Orgus Din wanted from her? To ultimately stop caring? What happened when nothing mattered anymore? What happened when you lost all sight of the light?

Theron’s life in her hands…

“We don’t have much time. Unless we take Theron to Odessen, he won’t make it,” Lana’s words interrupted Tikal’s dark thoughts.

Theron’s eyes fluttered open and he gasped for breath as Lana momentarily boosted his consciousness. She stared at him and saw Theron’s eyes widen. Tikal could practically smell the fear on him. His terror was a scarlet streak in the force along and something else… guilt. Her lightsabers powered off and she looked everywhere except the dying man. She didn’t have to do anything save refuse to act. 

It was simple, neat, final.

She walked away before voicing her order to Lana.

“Call a shuttle. We’re taking Theron home.”


	3. And You Hate It

He was standing alone in the middle of a broken battlefield.

No.

That wasn’t right.

The damage done here wasn’t due to war. Everything was cold, gray, lifeless. The landscape looked like Ziost… like Nathema. Glaring light cast dark shadows all around him and yet somehow, the sky above remained a dark charcoal hue. A flash of sky blue hair caught Theron’s eye before it was swallowed up by the shadows.

_Commander…_

Master Satele’s voice then cut through the silence.

_“You are the Jedi’s greatest weapon…”_

He’d seen the holos of Tikal being addressed by the Jedi council. He’d always found those words cold and twisted, as though Tikal were a tool or an object.

Impulse drove him to run after her but she didn’t turn to acknowledge him. Theron’s heart raced as he scrambled over rough terrain but never quite managed to reach her.

_Commander wait…_

The world shifted and Lana’s voice rippled from the distortion.

_“You are the galaxy’s best chance…”_

Theron’s sense of balance failed him and his knees hit a metal floor. Once the world came into focus, he realized there were Adegan crystals scattered all over the floor. His trembling fingers brushed against the broken stones and they came away red. His eyes widened and he looked up to see the silhouette of the commander limping away out of the compartment; thick crimson droplets falling from her leaving a gruesome trail. He pushed past the doorway and out of the wreckage.

_No._

_“Now you’re a power-hungry tyrant…”_

His own voice seemed to manifest and cut pieces out of her spattering the ground with her blood. Still she continued her march towards some unattainable goal.

_No!_

He dragged himself to his feet and struggled to follow her as Tikal climbed over the ridge leaving smears of crimson on the path.

_Stop! Commander, please stop!_

_“No surprise you survived the crash. I didn’t think it’d be that easy…”_

Nausea pooled in Theron’s stomach as he saw how his words cause her to stumble and lean against the cliff walls. His body felt so heavy it was difficult to breathe but when he looked up, he saw her all but dragging herself up a steep embankment. Shadows surrounded the Commander taking on familiar forms. Faces from the Alliance, the Republic, the Empire… they all stood watching her bleed and they did nothing to help.

_“Did you ever love me?”_

And then he saw them: long chains sunk into her skin with barbed hooks.

She wasn’t walking away from him, she was being dragged towards a precipice. He strained as he tried to reach her.

_No!_

_“…when you show your true colors it makes it all easier…”_

His words cut through the atmosphere like a knife. There was a lick of blood dashed upon the ground as an ink-black hook drove into her back.

_“Theron…”_

_No! Just stay there! I’m coming, just stay there!_

To his horror he looked down to see the black hook attached to a dark chain whose end was clenched in his fist.

_“Did you ever love me?”_

He felt his own words rising all around him like a coiled serpent poised to sink its venom into her broken silhouette. His efforts to reach her became a frantic panic.

_I didn’t mean it! Please, just wait. I’m coming to get you! Lana! Koth! Someone! Please! ANYONE!_

**_“You’re symbol of everything that’s rotten in this galaxy…”_ **

His voice rattled the world like a clap of thunder, drowning out all other voices. Exhausted, she saw her form buckle and topple over the the canyon’s edge as the others looked on.

_TIKAL!_

* * *

“He’s going into shock!”

Lana’s words made the Commander jolt out of her daze. She had been pretending to meditate but the exhaustion of the past couple of weeks resulted in it being something more like dozing. Blinking away the sleep from her eyes, she approached the makeshift medical bed in the back of the shuttle.

Lana was furiously loading a kolto dispenser all the while trying to still Theron’s seizing form.

“He’s lost a lot of blood…” Lana frowned as she glanced at her scanner’s readouts. The Commander watched her struggle impassively. Tikal still didn’t know how she felt about Theron, but standing so close to him she could feel pure overwhelming horror radiating from him.

Theron was afraid. Whatever darkness plagued his dreams now was tormenting him far better than she ever could.

For the second time that day she was confronted with his raw blood-red streaks of terror filtering into the force. She had to admit, it was a bit unnerving to see him so exposed. Be it due to his Jedi or SIS training, Theron had always been nigh impossible to read. She’d gotten used to practically nothing phasing him. It was all an act, of course, a facade he propped up to keep everyone else out.

She’d believed they were beyond such masks once. For a brief moment, she had allowed herself to believe that she mattered to someone. He made her feel special, not for what she could do or provide, but for who she was. It was all a delusion of course. Tikal had always known he lied to everyone but had somehow fooled herself into believing he would never lie to her.

Cold, cruel reality had made her see she was not special at all.

Tikal was just another asset to be manipulated, a fact made infinitely simpler once she had let herself feel attachment. She allowed emotions cloud her judgement only to find out he was a better Jedi than she could ever be. That was the true source of her anger: Theron could break her for the good of the mission on a moment’s notice. Theron didn’t let his feelings stay his hand or soften the blow. He had no qualms about pulling the trigger and piercing her heart if it was for the greater good whereas the so-called Hero of Tython…

_I would have burned the galaxy to keep you safe._

Shame washed over her at being so stupid. His affection was nuanced and conditional. He saw her as novelty: the Jedi who could be taken to bed just as long as it didn’t interfere with her primary function of ‘Savior’.

Her love for him was far more irresponsible and selfish. It only cemented the feeling that she loved him far more than he ever did. Tikal couldn’t help but resent him for it.

The Commander turned away from the scene before she snatched up a discarded trooper helmet nearby and tore out the respirator with her bare hands. She then placed it over Theron’s face. His labored breathing rasped harshly as the mask flooded his lungs with oxygen. 

As a Jedi Knight, Tikal had never been much of a healer, her skills had always skewed naturally towards destruction, but she knew enough to keep him alive. Lana seemed to understand what she was attempting and placed down the kolto before dedicating her last reserves of energy towards the task at hand. Tika took a deep breath and focused as her entire form rippled with a faint glow. Theron’s breathing leveled off as she brought him back from the brink of death. Olive-green eyes opened and looked up at her brimming in tears.

“C-commander…” he whispered and Tikal flinched.

_The Alliance, the Republic, the Empire… I would have let them all burn for you…_  
  
“Don’t talk, just breathe, I don’t think we can sustain this for very long,” she said as she continued to focus energy into his form. She felt him tremble as his body adjusted and a burst of grief radiated from him. Dammit, she wasn’t equipped to deal with something like this!

“Commander I… I…”

She placed a hand on his forehead and he stilled.  
  
“Just breathe Theron…” Tikal instructed him as she ran her fingers through his ridiculous hair. “We’re almost home.”

His unfocused gaze looked up at her. There was so much he wanted to say; so much he wanted to explain and he feared she wouldn’t care to hear it. The uncertainty weighed heavier on him than the pain of his wounds.

“Please…”

Her resolve broke then and she reached out to hold his hand in a firm, reassuring grasp.

“You’re not alone. I’ve got you. I promise.” The tension and desperation melted away his form and he gave a shuddering sigh. For the first time in weeks he felt a pleasant calm fill his thoughts. At long last, he was safe.

After his wounds had been sealed and each breath didn’t send waves of pain through him, she could be angry. Once each carmine streak of terror faded back into his calm unreadable mask, she would once again be free to resent him. But until that moment came to pass, she would hold his hand and soothe his fears while keeping the nightmares at bay. Until then, he would never find himself abandoned in the dark when he reached out for her.

_I would have burned the galaxy for you, Theron… and myself with it._


	4. But You Love Them

He awoke slowly, as though he were rising from the bottom of a dark sea.

The sterile scent of Kolto filled his nose as the world came into focus. He was in the Alliance medical bay. He was alone, but there was a lot of movement outside his room. All at once the memory of the last couple of days crashed over him and he bolted up from the bed. The sudden motion made his vision swim for a moment and he half expected someone to stop him but the medical staff seemed to be in the midst of a heated discussion. Something about… resources?

He shook his head to clear it before grabbing his clothes from the nearby chair. Theron winced as he felt a residual pain even though his wounds had been closed and healed. He traced the faint scar on his chest almost in disbelief. That had been close. Exceedingly close. Devastatingly stupidly close. He was alive only because Tikal had spared him at the last minute. An angry outburst cut through his thoughts and glanced towards the doorway.

“LET GO OF ME! WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU, JORGAN? SIDING WITH A FILTHY IMP-!”

There was the familiar crack of a rifle’s butt crushing someone’s face and Theron winced.

“Anyone else have an opinion?” the Cathar growled.

“Lord Beniko is in the hangar speaking with the Commander now, she’ll sort this out,” Major Quinn’s sharp, no-nonsense tone cowed any further dissidents into silence, “until then, no one will remove anything from the medical wing without authorization from Major Jorgan or myself. Am I being  _perfectly_ clear?”

“We’re an Alliance. Kriffing act like it, people!” Jorgan echoed.

_Tikal…_

He got dressed as quickly as possible, ignoring the pain and the gaping hole still present in his wardrobe. He had to explain, he had to talk to her. He limped to the hangar and up the steps with a single focus in mind. The place looked different from the last time he’d seen it. There were repair droids patching up structural damage, though he noted the large broken facade on the outer walls still remained the same.

Few people paid him any notice. He would have to ask Lana for the official explanation of absence. Whatever they’d said, it was enough to keep the Alliance members from confronting him. No one stopped him as he stepped off the lift and walked into the war room.

Tikal looked exhausted but she was visibly keeping a strong front if only for Lana’s sake. Strangely enough, he could see Lana attempting to be optimistic for once. Both were putting up brittle facades for the sake of the other.

“You know, it’ll be nice to take a break from ruling the galaxy,” Lana said attempting to find the silver lining in the hurricane.

“Oh like you’ve ever taken a break in your life…”

Both turned to look at him in surprise. He sensed the tension in the air clearly. Tikal’s gaze, always so warm and inviting was guarded and cold. The apology poured from his lips faster than he could react. He needed her forgiveness. He needed to know she wasn’t going to discard him. He needed her. Once more he threw himself at her mercy.

Tikal seemed to stare at his hand when he offered it. Theron could all but see the gears turning in her head.

“You risked your life for us. There’s always a place for you here,” she finally concluded.

Relief washed over him as she clasped his hand.

“I don’t know what you would have done if you’d said no,” he said venturing a smile as the anxiety drained from him.

Lana was still eyeing him critically but whatever her qualms, she let the matter drop.

“I’ll… give you some privacy.”

Tikal nodded before motioning to Theron. “Let’s take a walk.”

As they left the hangar, he couldn’t help but notice scores of republic troopers entering. A Republic ship landed once they reached the hill overlooking the base. They both watched in silence as the troopers picked up large duffle bags and filed in. He noted one was sporting a black eye and a bloody nose. That must have been the soldier who had tested Jorgan’s patience. Still, for such a large group to mobilize… the SIS agent worried he was missing something critical.

“Is there an Ops going on? Where are they going?” Theron asked puzzled as he saw the heavy freighter take off.

“They’re going home, Theron,” she replied as she leaned against a nearby tree and looked up at their departure, “there’s nothing left for them here. Without the Gravestone or the fleet, we have been effectively neutralized. The Republic issued an amnesty proclamation a few hours after the fleet was destroyed. Any Alliance assets that were previously members of the Republic are welcomed back to their original posts and rank, no questions asked.”

A deep sense of outrage constricted Theron’s chest at the news.

_Alliance assets…_ The argument in the medical wing made sense now. The Republic was blatantly stripping Tikal of what little power she still held, the Senate hadn’t even bothered to acknowledge her existence. They’d assume they could just come to Odessen and reclaim what they viewed as theirs: Personnel, resources, equipment…

And Tikal was helpless to stop them.

She’d just saved millions of lives at the cost of everything and now they were leaving because she had nothing left to give. How many times had she rescued the Galaxy? How many times had she placed her life in danger so that others would not be consumed? And yet it was not enough to earn her their loyalty. Now when she truly needed them most, they were cutting their losses and going home.

Anger made him see red.

“Those self-serving, backstabbing-”

“And why should they stay, Theron?” she asked her voice weary as it cut off his tirade, “I have nothing left to offer them. Even Zakuul has seized their chance and declared their independence. We have no means to defend ourselves should anyone choose to wipe us out. I’m the Empress of nothing, why would anyone stay unless they had nowhere else to go or were feeling particularly suicidal?”

He saw her standing there so different from the cocky young Jedi he’d first met. Her defeated gaze was shadowed by dark circles, which made him wonder how long she’d gone without sleeping. Golden eyes, once filled with so much life and confidence were hollow and drained. The disillusionment he saw within them broke his heart.

It wasn’t fair. Theron seethed all the while regretting his own part in breaking her spirit.

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I never meant for this to happen. I know… I know I messed up, but I’m not going anywhere,” he said as he reached out to touch her face. Her empty gold eyes stared back at him.

“We’re allying with the Empire,” she said effectively shattering what should have been an intimate moment. His fingers pulled away as though scalded by her words.

“You’re- I’m sorry,  _what_?”

“I’m not going back. We’re siding with the Empire,” Tikal repeated.

Theron grappled with the decision for a moment as though trying to find the right words.

“Tikal… I know you’re angry. Things look grim and the people who should have had your back- they’ve left you holding the bag. But if we join the Empire, if we turn against the Republic, there’s no going back. Ever. It’s treason, they’ll put a price on your head.”

“An old friend once told me that he understood why people controlled me, but he could never figure out why I let them. I’m not going back to them. I’m not going back to being just another Jedi for them to exploit. I refuse,” she replied and he noted there was a metallic glint in her eyes he’d seen somewhere before, but couldn’t quite place.

“I know… there are things you don’t agree with but-”

“But what, Theron? Please by all means excuse and rationalize the Republic’s behavior for me,” she said as a cold anger flickered through her features, “explain why they had no qualms about leaving me to rot in a Zakuulian vault. Explain why they refused to act or fight the Eternal Empire and instead the so-called enemies of freedom were the ones taking up the mantle. Help me understand why after finally attaining a peaceful truce within the galaxy they violated it by sneaking into Iokath to steal weapons of mass destruction!”

Her hands clenched into fists and Theron’s words failed him.

“There is… so much I could say against them… so much I have given them, but even now they would never have me back unless I approached them on my knees. Look me in the eye and tell me why I should beg the Senate for another chance at servitude when I’m being offered freedom?”

“Giving up on the Republic won’t atone for what’s been done,” Theron said looking at her sadly, “the Empire will try to kill you the moment you let your guard down.”

He looked troubled and she knew he was thinking of the friends and allies he would be forced to leave behind. His entire life, he had been ingrained to see the Sith as the enemy. His mother had given him up so she could focus on the the safety of the Galaxy; safety from the Sith menace. He had seen his father die in a fanatical attempt to stop the Empire.

She would not ask Theron to choose. Ultimately, Tikal was further down his list of priorities than she’d originally thought, there was no point in humiliating herself further.

“It’s naive of you to think the Republic doesn’t have the same plans for me. I executed Leontyne Saresh. I denied them Iokath and, as of two weeks ago, the Senate passed a resolution holding me solely responsible for Supreme Commander Malcom’s death,” she said before giving him an out, “I wouldn’t blame you if you felt the same way.”

“You had NOTHING to do with that. You were the one who tried to get him to see reason. He wouldn’t listen, he never listened!” he protested but deep down he knew that when the Republic was looking for someone to blame, the truth hardly mattered.

“Not everyone is as forgiving as you,” she replied quietly, “many claim this wouldn’t have happened if I had kept my loyalty to the Republic, but I can’t do that. I can’t keep a blind loyalty to one side over the other. It was the Empire who came to our aid on Voss. It was the Empire who stood with us. The Empire paid for their place at the Alliance in blood all the while the Republic was content to watch. They swooped like vultures without risk, without a shred of honor, and hoped to reap all the spoils of war. What do I tell the Imperials who joined me and fought by my side? How do I look them in the face and spit on everything they risked at the whim of a fickle Republic? Actions speak louder to me than any of their prejudice disguised as inane platitudes. The Alliance’s purpose doesn’t change or play favorites based on bigotry. We’re going to save lives wherever possible regardless of faction.”

“The Jedi Council won’t care about your intentions. They’ll be forced to disown you,” he said looking pained at the idea she should have to be punished further.

“Kriff the Council!” she snapped with unusual viciousness.

Theron visibly flinched at the unexpected response.

He’d always know she didn’t see eye-to-eye with the council, but it was one thing to have an affair with him and quite another to discard their guidance completely. He looked into her gaze again and realised the gold irises were edged with a metallic red tinge… the same as Lana’s. All at once it dawned on him, the shadows around her eyes weren’t just due to exhaustion. It was dark side corruption.

Theron’s heart raced as he recalled the stories of fallen Jedi from Master Zho. Their inexperience with emotions made them more volatile and dangerous than Sith. They were violent, leaving thousands in their wake, but above all else, they were considered abominations. Fallen Jedi were to be restrained and dragged back to the council by whatever means necessary. They were to be isolated and redeemed lest they turned their rage loose upon the galaxy. Even the SIS had protocols regarding rogue Jedi. All of them had some sort of dismemberment in the process. Theron suppressed a shudder. He’d done this. He’d left her alone surrounded by Sith.

“You don’t mean that… ”

Something snapped within her then and she glared at him with mounting fury.

“Dammit Theron, I don’t want to be a Jedi. All my life I was led to believe that it being a Jedi was my only purpose; that I had to fulfill it like it was a life sentence or a curse; that I had no choice; that the only reason I had been born was to serve,” she said her voice thick with resentment, “no one ever asked if I wanted to or even WHAT I wanted. I was never given a choice. They told me that any other path leads to darkness; that they’ve stolen away my life because to want such a thing was evil and it would make me a monster. I was a child! A child among hundreds! They demonize and strip us of all but the most basic emotions, and tell us that our only purpose is to obey until death! All the while making you feel as though you owe the Republic for that privilege. But it’s a lie! I have a say in my own life! I have a choice! I’m not stupid! I don’t need a sith to tell me that!”

The words burst out of her like a torrent and he could feel that she was at the brink of a breakdown. This entire conversation, he’d been waiting for her to tell him he had to make a choice. He’d been so preoccupied about what he would say when she demanded his allegiance, only to realize she would never ask him. She wouldn’t tell him to decide because she was so certain he wouldn’t pick her. Like all the others before him, he’d taken what he needed: love, acceptance, forgiveness, absolution… she’d given it all to him and asked nothing in return.

He had thought of himself as different from the others who used her. In a way, he had believed they were equals striving for the same goal. When it was necessary, he sent her to face down monsters. When it was required of him, he left her locked away in a carbonite prison to take care of keeping the galaxy together. When it became convenient, he broke her heart and tossed her aside for the greater good. He manipulated and used her twisting his words until they hit their mark expertly because it had to be done. Because she had to be the Alliance Commander first and foremost. Because the galaxy needed the Hero of Tython, not the woman behind the title. Because deep down he knew he was risking nothing… she would forgive him regardless.

Even now, broken and brimming with despair, she asked nothing of him or worst still, expected to receive nothing from him. She was alone on the edge of a precipice screaming in rage and instead of pulling her away from the edge, he had taken a step back from her the moment she didn’t perform to expectations. Shame colored his thoughts as he wondered if she had planned it. Had Tikal known he would flinch and hesitate when faced with what she had become?

_“…did you ever love me?”_

His throat constricted with grief as he found himself unable to reply.

“I refuse to kneel!” her voice screamed in defiance and the ground beneath her began to split as her power churned. Even force blind as he was, Theron could see the storm contained within her threatening to tear her apart.

She was falling. How long had she been falling? How long had she been alone with this madness; this corruption? Had no one been there in his absence?

“Tikal I didn’t-” his voice cut off as he felt something latch around his throat.

“Don’t speak. Don’t you say a word. Now, it’s time for you to listen,” she hissed.

She stood before him her eyes burning with dark side energy as her form radiated hatred and rage like magma from a volcano. Even if he tried to run, invisible bonds had latched on to him keeping him in place. He saw her as she had been back on Nathema: fury incarnate. She could kill him with a thought, yet the bonds around his throat had not constricted painfully. She was terrifying in her anger, yet he noted she had never once harmed him: not here, not at Umbara, not even on Nathema.

He had risked nothing.

“The Republic uses the Jedi Order to control and exploit their force-sensitive population. Well, I’m taking my life back from the Council. I’m taking back EVERYTHING the Senate and the Republic thought they could deny me,” she growled as the ground beneath them cracked and rumbled. “So if you’re going to run, Theron, go back and tell them they’ve only made me angry. Tell them they’ve seen me at my kindest, now they will know my cruelty. They’ve no idea what I’m capable of…”

“Not… running…” he said through gritted teeth. “I promised you…”

“Everything breaks in the end. Promises, codes, people…” she said as her rage swelled and ebbed like the waves upon the shore, “there was a time when I believed all I needed in the universe was you, Theron. I believed I could withstand anything as long as I had your companionship, your approval, your love. I should have known better…”

He shuddered as he felt an invisible strand of power caress his cheek.

“I was just another asset, another step towards a larger goal. I should have known you wouldn’t stay. I should have known. You lie to everyone. Why should I be any different?” she asked. Tikal observed him the same way a cat would watch a caged bird. “Why would you stay? No one else has. No one ever will.”

“It’s not true…” he said straining to speak as tears gathered in his eyes, “… I’m sorry…”

Tikal visibly winced before her gloved fingertips brushed against the corner of his eye, wiping away the tear.

“A forced apology… so contrite,” she murmured almost as though disappointed before releasing him, “you can leave, if you’d like. Run back to the Republic, like a good little citizen. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of intel for them to use against me. Who knows, maybe with your help they’ll get lucky and finally get my head on a pike. They’ll give you a medal.”

“Tikal… don’t… don’t say that…” his voice broke.

“As though you wouldn’t take my life for the sake of the galaxy? I’m surprised you’re not trying currently trying to rip off my limbs. Page 584 of the SIS manual, dealing with fallen Jedi, isn’t it?” she saw his eyes close and his head bowed, “dismemberment is your best chance at severing my connection with the force just long enough to subdue my erratic emotions.”

“Not you… never you…” he replied quietly. Tikal glanced down at Theron her face betraying that she was at a loss on how to deal with him.

“Not exactly sure if that’s comforting or not… I took what we had too seriously when it was all subjective to you,” she said slumping against a nearby tree looking drained, “brilliant strategy, really. Tear my heart out and apologize later. The Galaxy is saved, the Alliance remains whole… well the people anyway. The Cult of Zildrog is neutralized… everybody wins. Everybody gets what they want. Everybody that matters wins.”  

“You matter.”

She scoffed at his words.

“Please don’t patronize me, Theron. Not now. Not this late in the game. You’ve denied me all justification for every emotion I felt from the moment you left. You did what you had to do and I… I’m not allowed to be angry at you…” she replied turning away from him to watch another Republic shuttle descend to pick up more deserters.

_…did you ever love me?_

Tikal didn’t want to see him leave. She had renounced her Jedi vows, allied with their most hated enemy, and attacked him in a moment of pure rage. Why would anyone stay after all that? What could there be left to salvage when she had nothing more to give him?

“You’re allowed. More than allowed…” Theron whispered as she felt his arms wrap around her, “I broke my promise to you. I made you feel alone. You should be angry, you deserve that right.”

Her anger dissolved into raw hurt. She didn’t dare speak out of fear that her voice would break.

“I didn’t think. I never think. I was so caught up in doing this for you, I never thought…” he trailed off as he stumbled into an unspoken truth, “I never believed I was that important to you. I thought- I assumed you would be more angry than hurt.”

The excuse sounded weak as he voiced it. A part of him had always known Jedi were not supposed to harbor attachments. His own failed training had served him well especially when managing assets and it enabled him to hide his apathy behind inner peace. He had assumed Tikal was the same, that he was a fleeting sort of entertainment; a fling she would get over before adopting the mantle of Commander in full force.

Looking back he realized what a foolish thought that had been.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to presume. This- whatever it was- I thought it wasn’t going to last. Have I mentioned how bad I am at relationships?” Theron asked as he realized he was rambling but hugged her tightly nonetheless. “What I meant to say is, no one has ever cared about me the way you have. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it until-”

“You’re an idiot,” she scowled cutting off his rambling apology and finally leaning back against his arms. They stood in a comfortable silence as they watched the shuttle leave for good. The next time they saw those men they would be on opposite sides of the battlefield. “I meant what I said Theron. I’m not going back.”

“I know.”

“They’ll mark you a traitor if you stay.”

“I know.”

“You won’t be able to go back.”

“…I know.”

“Are you going to stay anyway?”

_…did you ever love me?_

“Yes. Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking around and reading this little fic! It was originally posted on my Tumblr account (Pineaberry). It was completed last week so I figured it was time I uploaded it here! :)
> 
> Feel free to look me up, I usually post fic updates on my blog 24+ hours before I upload to AO3!


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